I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
