Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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