I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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