Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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