Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am one with the molecules
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