Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize