she woke up with a sticky ear
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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