Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
