It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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