i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
