Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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