I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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