So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
