Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
