I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
