Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
