That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
