Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
