Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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