Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
