Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
