Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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