Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
