Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
