I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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