You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
