Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
