Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i was born a porn star she said
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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