I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
