3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
