i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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