soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
