non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
