i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
