I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
