If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
