You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
