I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
