Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
