im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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