how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
