I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
