In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
