I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
