i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
