I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
