guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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