My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize