Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't turn off my feet"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
