Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
