I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Vodka?
Forever.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
