I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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