I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
