I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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