i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
