apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My ass is underappreciated
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
