Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Randomize
