My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
