Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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